Sunday, December 13, 2015

Leave Santa a Beer!

Dear Kido's,

I know Christmas is right here, I mean it is only a few days away. Your house is decorated in the finest LED lights your old man could find. Your mother has made plans for the family to come over. Hopefully the two of them have snuck out and had a nice evening without you little brats, I mean adorable children. Point is the entire family has been busting their butts to get everything ready for you. You are the stars of the show. The whole holiday is focused on kids.
You're forgetting about one thing. The fat man, the man in the red suit, the guy who's been busting his butt with hundreds of little elves and Mrs. Claus breathing down his neck to get that gift to you on time. He's been working the last 364 days, slave driving the elves into a workshop groove that rival's the workshops in China.
What do you do for him? You only think about the guy in November when that elf shows his/her face around Thanksgiving. Yeah mom or dad may have threatened you in July but you were all like, I have 5 months to make up for that.
Bottom line is your going to give Santa a sugared up cookie, some milk, and those reindeer a piece of celery or a carrot. Have you ever busted your butt and then drank milk? The answer is no! If you had you wouldn't think of leaving that curdling cup of stomach ach. Sugar cookies? Come on that's a temporary high followed by a crash and bed rest for two days with the number he needs to eat in one night. No wonder he takes a bite and leave the crumbs, really he's throwing it out the window of the sled hoping some squirrel eats it before you see it.
What the man wants is what your daddy wants. It's that simple, an ice cold beer (maybe Mrs Claus in a nice teddy too, skip that part kids). If you really want to get on the fat man's good side leave him a growler full of that local nectar. It will allow him to relax, you'll certainly end up on the nice list. If it's a good red or brown you might even end up with a free pass for the next year! Reindeer if they're anything like horses they'll love it too.
No worries Santa isn't drinking enough to get drunk. He would never drink and sleigh. You'll be the only kid in the block doing it anyways. He might even steal the growler and bring some up to convince Mrs Claus to wear that other thing we talked about. You'll be THE kid, the one he remembers, so don't chump out next year, he'll be looking forward to your house!!!

Merry Christmas from AJ Brew.